Well, it’s official, I have been avoiding writing this blog. 

The past month has been filled with so much preparation and anticipation I cant even explain, you guys. The past month has been filled with sweet memory-making. The past month has been filled with mixed emotions and love, so much love. 

If you haven’t caught on yet… If you don’t know me well…
The past month was my last month in Nashville.

Call me dramatic (I get that a lot), but moving from Nash was one of the most difficult voluntary decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life.

It all started my junior year: I was sitting in my AP English class, not paying attention whilst doing multiple college quizzes on collegeboard.com (ask any of my high school friends… Beginning with the first day of junior year I searched for “the school” the entire year) to see where I could possibly spend my glory days and I came across Belmont University. Location? Nashville, Tennessee. My heart immediately filled with a deep longing to do it- to go! To accomplish this daunting task of auditioning for a rigorous music program, apply for an established academia and make all of these things. If I’m honest, I never once had a doubt that this place, this school, was where I wanted to be. I’d never been but I knew. I just knew.

You might think I’m taking this too far… Possibly taking this college choosing process too serious in my reminiscing, but to me, choosing the “right” school was everything. I wanted to succeed in school and succeed well. I’m one of the first to pursue a higher education in my family so this has always drove me to do better… I guess to end the cyclic affair with quitting in or after high school. But any way, I am not over-dramatizing this decision, I really felt that strongly. 

I began learning as much as I possibly could. Ask me any question about Belmont University and I knew. The student to teacher ratio? I knew. The average percentage success rate? I knew. I couldn’t wait to actually apply in the fall; I spent the summer prepping for my senior year. However, upon this time, I had a lot of personal things happen. To say the least, I was heart broken for numerous reasons. 

This fueled my desire to make it to Nashville, and to make it well. 

Against all odds, I made it. I figured out the college process (and let me tell you, it’s difficult and people are mean to independent students… meaning they aren’t financially supported by their parents). I called every office on Belmont’s campus until they gave me answers, I travelled to audition, I made it. I made it into a highly selective program and I applied for a loan and I got it and I received a couple of scholarships and I freaking made it, y’all. 

In this time, I had to learn how to depend on God fully… absolutely and thoroughly. Every aspect of my life, doomed, like I was hopeless but Jesus gave me hope and He gave me strength from the places betrayal had taken me. And HIM and ONLY Him brought me to Nashville… I made it, but really, HE made it and brought me along. 

Even after I packed up my entire car and embarked on a 12 hour drive journey without the presence of a parent or guardian, the enemy tore a part more relationships in my life. But Jesus told me to keep going… and He would give me strength. 

And so… I did. Along the way, I met my future roommate and spent the night on the eve of our residence with each other for the next nine months. I met her entire family and friends and even went to a football game where (it seemed) the entire community gathered! I met a wonderful mother that took me in as her own. She even told me God’s hand was upon me and that she would be my official mother in Tennessee. God was with me, you guys. When I had no blood family, God provided one that was closer to my heart I had ever experienced. 

You see, I had realized in these first moments of “Belmont-Nashville” life, that the picture was much larger than college. It was about restoration and love. God was doing a greater work and to be honest, folks, He always is… whether we see it or not. 

My first semester at Belmont was interesting. I missed my friends and family tremendously but more in the sense that I longed for them to be a part of my journey in Nashville. I was studying music… I was singing for a grade! I was performing for peers and loved it. But slowly my relationship with the Lord became lost… I compromised areas of my life I never thought I’d consider. Looking back now, I see it’s because of my lack of dependence of God in those times. I was singing, performing, making friends, finding work all in my own strength. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but that’s what I’m good at! In the midst of my “happiness” and “busy-ness,” I lost what it meant to be completely dependent on God and lost the meaning of worship, and truly, regretfully, forgot how to relate to God. 

You see, our role in this crazy relationship with the Maker of the universe is Him infinite, and us, finite. When I become comfortable I lose my sense of need for God, therefore, I lose my ability to relate to God. He is the Giver and I am not. If I take my life into my own hands, I lose sight of the goodness of God. 

Coming back for Christmas break I found myself in the midst of the scary relationships I had left before Nashville and was reminded of my disobedience to God the entire semester. “You feel empty? You feel alone? It’s because I Am not in your plan, Meri Sue.” I saw this over break and I came to the consensus that music was not where God wanted me to be. Where though? Then He reminded me as I ventured through the possibilities of what He might want for me…

I have always had this strong desire to relate to others. I really have a desire to know people and know them deeply. I now see that I continued to pursue music because that’s where I felt comfortable, and I ignored this true God-given desire to pursue and serve people. 

I prayed and dug real deep. I was still unsure of what I was supposed to do but I knew I wasn’t supposed to do music… and I wasn’t even sure I was supposed to be at Belmont. With complete faith (I mean that), I dropped all of my music classes and signed up for general courses. I was ready for God to speak. He did. 

You see, it’s in the dark that Jesus can be our light. It’s when we surrender our human sight and believe in our heart, “Yes Jesus, my faith is not dependent on sight. I know that my faith is dependent on the unseen because what is unseen is eternal and what is eternal is You.” This is when Jesus speaks to our hearts most clearly… When we are fully and thoroughly dependent on Him… 

Towards the end of Christmas break, and I mean, the last few days, I met a young man. And we fell in love and rode off into the sunset… Okay not really, but despite the previous year I spent jaded and the year previous to that year I spent in complete “single satisfaction” (okay more like I freaked out and cancelled any date any boy would ask me on), I really felt attracted to him. I was SO extremely confused. My prayers sounded a little like this..

“But God, I really cant like this guy. So please just take away that attraction. 
You are doing so much in me… I cant like someone right now! I have to focus.
He wont make me better you know? I’ll become so distracted and lose sight of You.
BUT GOD, I JUST WANT TO MOVE TO AFRICA AND BE SINGLE AND LOVE PEOPLE.”

If you dont already know, I’m dating that guy. Three months thus far and I have been challenged, shaped, and refreshed through this relationship more than I have been the past three years.

I have learned this past year (through Nashville) that God puts us right smack dab in the middle of our weaknesses… Mine, relationships…
So here I am: learning much in the specific place I’ve always ran away from. The specific place I’ve only found hurt and my true weakness, and God is making His name known through me through THIS. 

Ironic? Doesn’t make sense? Meet my beautiful, crazy, unmatchable, undeniably-witty Jesus.

Throughout this past semester I applied to The College at Southwestern Seminary and decided in my heart and prayed to God that if this is it for me, to give me the overwhelming peace the Bible describes and I would follow through with that… I considered dropping out of school, moving to a foreign country, maybe staying in Nashville and working… but then…

I got the acceptance letter. Sitting in my missions internship office and I cried.

I knew.

I just knew.

I have been prepping myself ever since…
 

 

I have met some of the most amazing individuals in Nashville. 

Nashville has a time zone of its own. It’s a city yet it’s a small town. It’s Music City. It’s community. It’s the true melting pot of America. It’s where you come to make it. It’s where every person asks, “Where are you from?” It’s where we’re all trying to make it. It’s where we all struggle and we all love each other.

I invested in that city. I brought everything I had (literally), plopped it down, got a community outreach job with wonderful inner-city kids, got a missions internship position for my church, I made the three best friends I could ever ask for, I made good grades, I did crazy college-y things, I volunteered, I had coffee with multiple local homeless men and women, I went into the small local coffee shops where they learned my name and order, I studied the Bible with a college group, I was mentored, I shopped and helped the local economy at the farmer’s market downtown, I became who I was becoming since my junior year sitting in AP English…

The past month has been filled with memories and saying goodbye. The past month has been touched by Christian hands and prayers by elders. The past month has had moments of utter discontent and bitterness towards moving back to Fort Worth, Texas, where I had exactly came from. But the past month brought me back to Jesus. The past month made me rely completely and fully on Jesus for strength, hope, and zeal for the unknown. 

I’ve learned numerous things through this journey, but what I’m finding is that the journey is not done. This Nashville experience was the kindling to a bright future that will always be dependent on the goodness of Christ. I am sad, I weep alone because I miss my home and my friends that became just that. But I know that Jesus is my home. 

It’s like the essay I wrote my first week of college in English…

“Jesus is my home and so my home is always with me.”

Isn’t it ironic how Jesus reminds us of truths over and over again until we swallow it? 

Today I am still learning to keep depending on Christ. He is leading me to the stream of everlasting life. He is leading me to difficult trials that, in the end, create memories just as sweet as my lovely Nashville. 

Jesus, I am ready. I am wholly Yours.